A birthday...

OK. I dont go out to work, but I have my own Monday blues. After a weekend, I kinda lose touch with cooking fast and on time!...thats more important. On time!!!. Happened again. Went for a walk n came back..almost running!. Time was 7 30 AM. He had to be ready by 8 AM. Then breakfast ( I strongly believe in "breakfasting" like a king :) )..I let him take his time, well, 8 30 max, then we are off to school. I heard and unheard the usual " do I give him a bath or would you do it today?" from my hubby. "did you pack his snack"?..."what will he have with the idlis?". I heard and unheard all of this. All that was running at the back of my head was the traffic. I start by 8 35...then its cool...i can talk to my son on the way n show him things. :) But if I dont, then I HAD it. It dosent make nay difference to my son though...:) childhood is bliss...:)

I made it. Got him ready with shoes, bag, snacks everything by 8 30. Answered the door once or twice in between...servant, next door aunty...the same servant works for both of us. So, I had to answer those "is it ok if she come sto your home after mine?"...fine!!! I dont care!!! . Am ready on the bike, son comes down the stairs...stands in front of me on the bike and off we go..

Thank God! no block near the first turning...usually there is. My son asks me "amma, I woke up early...so no traffic...isnt it". I try to sound like I have nothing else in mind..and say "yes, you r a good boy"!. we go a little further...a little traffic...my mind immediately jumps to all that I have to do after getting back home...cleaning the mess, my class, writing this blog too. Well, we go a little further say covered half the distance, n I see cars parked the whole road...on the side only thankfully...and I see people talking to each other n over their cell phones. Maybe some programme. I go a little further...n Oh my God! I have about 2km to go still and all I see is cars N helmets n cycles...caught in a traffic jam!!!. I hate this. My son asks me..." amma, traffic jam is it?" I say yes. :) he is a sweetheart. Servant...hubby office...have to shop...I hope he switched off the gas...

Finally, traffic cleared. Police everywhere. Directing us. Stopped the traffic about 3 times on a 1km road. I started to wonder what happened. But I had no time to think...AAH! another signal!. This one was not used today. Policemen everywhere again, guiding the traffic. But what takes 5 minutes took 15..and finally I was near his school. Just before the turn I was stopped again "madam, school?. Yes, Yes!! and finally we reached school. I literally tore the jacket off this arms, and sent him in. We were not late!!!.

I took a breath, then started back. I was stopped again. "madam, the other way". I had to just peep a little n I could see the junction I had to get to. But no...I had to go...the other way. Arre, which way? "they will direct you ma"..OK. I went. Diversion. diversion again. oh...the last one. I stopped and asked near the last diversion, after riding extra kms.."enne achchu"?

It was somebody's birthday.

my jaw dropped. And I drove back home. Tired. What else could I do?. I remained in a bad mood for a while, finished my work, laughed and told a few people who I thought might be taking that route, sat down and wrote this.....and let go :)

Yes! There are boundaries...

...and I got introduced to those boundaries in a way I never imagined I would. Boundaries in human relationships. To my surprise, EVERY person I spoke to about my experience, seemed to know about those boundaries, only i wasnt aware of it. I started to think, as always. Voiced my thoughts, feelings and people said i was wrong. Probably I was, I dunno. but can feelings ever be wrong, can they? Anyways, this time, I didnt want to talk to ppl...decided to write instead. :) Home. To many, its mom dad and kids. Most of the times. Extended family was...extended family. But for me, as a kid, home was extended family included. Dad n mom saw it that way, and we (my bro n I) too were made to see it that way. But am talking only about myself here. Dads pampered daughter, queen of the house, did what I wanted, said what I wanted even in the presence of the extended family who visited us often, some lived with us a few years... in short, I did not see any boundaries between my home and extended family. Cousins. i enjoyed being with them. Laughed,yelled and shouted at them, shared my space, my things...

I became older. It was time to go away from home for a career. Went to stay with one of my extended families for a while till I found a place to stay on my own. I got a taste of those boundaries for the first time there. ppl tried to show me its not my dads house am in. this is ours. not yours. It hurt. I cried. More than that, i began questioning the values i was brouthg up with. i asked appa " u told me to see all of them as our own..now what ahppened? i did not get it back from them ". he tried to talk to me, but i wasnt convinced. Hurt, anger ( am very short tempered btw, people knew that too) confusion were there within me. But I started to love on my own in a PG and I must say those were the best days of my life. These issues became too small compared the freedom I enjoyed. But as a person, I changed a little. My belief, my thoughts about a family changed... Before i go on further, i would like to tell about me n my appa. He is my hero, inspite of his flaws and inspite of the arguements and disagreements we have. I admire him, could talk to him like I talk to a friend. We discuss sports, movies, gossip. I remember we used to even watch athletics together when I was much younger. He talks a lot about his life too. And, I am my father...guess that sums it all up. his thoughts register in my head very strongly n easily than anybody else's.

Marriage...a whole lot of changes. Made me realise all families were not the same. Not everybody saw a family they way mom n dad did. Boundaries everywhere...extended family and yoru next door neighbour were on the same pedestal. I was lost for a while. Right or wrong, maybe natural, I compared everything and everyone. I realised at one point I shouldnt compare, but I was confused. I still discuss things with my dad, and I can say only his views matter the most to me on any issue. But I missed being my dads little girl. Life goes on, and am fortunate to have a good one...

there is a fear though.. Who will I talk to after my dad. Is there anybody to take my dads place?. To pamper me like he did?. to hear me out on any issue the way he hears me?

That person came too. A person from the extended family. And I held on tightly to him. He was just like how my dad was to me. He was a friend. he had the same values as my dad, i thought. Could talk to him about everything. I could call him any time of the day or night and talk. The boundaries I got a taste of disappeared in my head and I was this happy, saying what I want pampered girl again. Boundaries from other people did not affect me at all. But he too had a life. N there were people in his life. I believed those people would adjust for me. But I was wrong. NO!. It was his life and if I was demanding, he would draw a boundary too. And thats exactly what he did. suddenly said its not possible to talk to me all the time...and worse..."you r old enough to manage on your own ". But then, this boundary hit like a thunderbolt. I was very unhappy n upset.People I talked to told me...every relationship has a boundary...

I see my son. I can see myself in him. I can see his eyes glow at thought of meeting his uncles n aunties, maamas n maamis n cousins. I can see him talking to them like he has known them for ages. They enjoy him too. The mother in me bursts out to tell him...be within ur limits. every relationship has a boundary. but, i dont. feel its like corrupting a young mind. i just convince myself saying he is too young n will grow differently from me. huge family get togethers n functions n celebrations r fast dying anywyas....so maybe he wudnt come across what i did... maybe he wouldnt mind those boundaries...maybe he would draw some himself...

Am now a grown up i can say. :) i learnt i can never be my dads girl with anyone ever again! :)